Thursday, August 14, 2008

Oh, Henry!

My dog, Henry, is getting fixed in a couple of weeks. Before last night, I think he suspected. His bark has been more sarcastic lately. When I tell him to sit, he obeys, but he does so begrudgingly. It could be that Henry is now a teenager (in dog years), or it may just be that he knows his manhood is about to end before it even begins. Such is the tragedy of a dog’s life.

I think Henry always knew this time was coming. About a month after we brought him home, he made a break for it. I wasn’t home to witness the self-emancipation, but apparently he just shot out the door and ran for freedom. For five minutes he was chased around the neighborhood by my girlfriend and four others. He made it around the block before shooting back inside and straight into his crate, soiling himself somewhere along the way.

We never found a goodbye note, and when I got home he refused to explain himself. As to where he was going, I don’t think even he knows. My guess was one of his two favorite spots: the next-door parking lot that is populated by a colony of giant cockroaches or the corner of our apartment building, a place he’s been obsessed with ever since a homeless person took a crap there.

The procedure will be performed at a place on Sunset Boulevard in a hospital picked randomly off the Internet for its low price. Why pay premium dollar for something that Henry won’t even enjoy? We’re hoping that he doesn't have to wear a cone on his head (which would prevent him from inadvertently removing his stitches after the surgery), but by the way he chews up underwear, we’re not optimistic.

Last night, I decided to come clean and tell Henry about the operation. I explained that it would be a great opportunity to refocus his life’s work on treat retrieval. When discussing the possibility of a cone, I tried to explain to Henry that when I was young I had to wear corrective shoes and braces. Sometimes we must go through an awkward adolescence in order to become our beautiful selves. He just looked at me and farted.

If he could talk I’m sure he’d say, “Why are you doing this to me?” Of course if he could talk, I’d ask him, “Since you’re blessed with a sense of smell 100 times greater than my own, why do you spend most of your time smelling dog butts?”

So Henry, if you’re reading this, please accept my very public apology for what is about to happen to you. And Good Boy! for learning how to use a computer.


Anonymous said...

I think someone should invent a tradition where the night before male dogs get "fixed" (sounds like something else) they "frolic" among as many "bitches" as possible. A sort of doggie bachelor/"I'm getting my nuts cut off" romp.

You owe it to him.

Anonymous said...

In fact, there could be a whole business in LA devoted to this. Doggie strip clubs. Except there would be no stripping. Just a bunch of dogs "frolicking" in the corner.

Does anyone have $50,000 to invest in this great idea?

Anonymous said...

If you do, contact Nate, and he'll contact me.

Thank you.

Kristy said...

Henry farts? Awesome! My dog is too prissy to entertain me with fart humor...

chenlina said...

adidas originals shoes
ugg outlet online
coach factorty outlet online
concord 11
michael kors handbags
coach outlet
ralph lauren
canada goose outlet
louis vuitton handbags
coach outlet store online
prada outlet
ugg boots
jordan 11
louis vuitton outlet
replica watches
louis vuitton
air jordan 8
michael kors outlet online
ugg boots
ugg outlet
abercrombie & fitch
cheap toms
ugg outlet
coach outlet online
louis vuitton outlet stores
michael kors outlet
jordans for sale
coach factory outlet online
michael kors outlet
cheap rolex watches
gucci outlet online
kate spade handbags
louis vuitton handbags
louis vuitton outlet
ray ban sunglasses
vans sneakers
louis vuitton handbags
instyler max
louis vuitton outlet
louboutin femme

林磊 said...

2016-4-1 leilei
new balance shoes
reebok shoes
cheap oakley sunglasses
adidas superstars
vans shoes
coach outlet online
timberland boots
louboutin outlet
salvatore ferragamo
hollister clothing store
under armour outlet
discount oakley sunglasses
burberry handbags
ugg outlet online
rolex daytona
coach factory outlet
coach factory outlet online
michael kors outlet online
hermes outlet
converse shoes
coach outlet online
ghd hair straighteners
cheap jordans
valentino store
mizuno running shoes
prada handbags on sale
michael kors outlet
michael kors outlet
fitflops shoes
coach outlet clearance
polo ralph lauren outlet
hermes belt
sac longchamp
converse sale
michael kors outlet clearance
coach outlet store
michael kors bags
supra for sale
ralph lauren outlet online

Gege Dai said...

salomon shoes sale
michael kors outlet clearance
ugg boots
supra shoes
michael kors outlet
michael kors uk outlet
rolex watches
nike air force 1
burberry outlet sale
louis vuitton handbags outlet
ray-ban sunglasses
michael kors outlet online
michael kors outlet online
coach outlet online
louis vuitton handbags
longchamp handbags
canada goose jackets
lacoste pas cher
mulberry handbags
uggs clearance
cheap uggs
adidas trainers
burberry outlet
herve leger dresses
ugg boots
tiffany jewellery
rolex watches
christian louboutin outlet
basketball shoes,basketball sneakers,lebron james shoes,sports shoes,kobe bryant shoes,kobe sneakers,nike basketball shoes,running shoes,mens sport shoes,nike shoes
longchamp outlet online
tory burch sandals
hermes outlet
coach outlet store
beats by dr dre
abercrombie outlet
bottega veneta outlet
pandora jewelry

chenmeinv0 said...

los angeles clippers jerseys
michael kors handbags clearance
pandora bracelet
cheap oakley sunglasses
rolex watches
mbt outlet clearance
air max sale
ray ban glasses
nike cortez shoes
fila shoes