Thursday, January 29, 2009

25 Random Facts About Me

1. My dream when I was young was to be a curling commentator for NBC, mostly because I only wanted to work once every 4 years.

2. Now that it’s illegal to text and drive in California, I’m thinking that my hands-free texting device is finally going to start making some money.

3. Every time I suddenly come up with an idea it’s “open a light bulb store.”

4. The other day I met a man who played water polo. I asked him how he got the horses in the pool. He never answered.

5. I was once a stand up comedian. The worst crowd I ever performed for was an audience of crickets.

6. When I was 13 I wanted to buy beer so badly that I became addicted to crystal meth, which made me look 23.

7. I’m not racist because I always ask tall black men if they play volleyball.

8. I once ate a man, and I wasn’t even in a plane crash or starving or anything. He just looked like he tasted good.

9. I’m named after Nathan Kingsley, the last of the great aviator pioneers to crash and die before the Wright Brothers became the first men to actually fly.

10. I’ve been called the Filipino James Dean of my generation (the sausage guy, not the actor).

11. Before that dance movie came out, You Got Served was the original title of my screenplay about talking tennis balls.

12. I truly believe the Mead, Five Star Binders really only deserve 3 ½ stars.

13. I coined the phrase, “She’s got the driest skin in the lotion factory.”

14. I have a truly creepy collection of Disney collector’s plates.

15. If you ask me to dance I might say “yes.” Or I might just punch you in the face.

16. I was eliminated on Top Chef last night after my “here’s a bunch of random shit on a plate” dish didn’t go over well with the judges.

17. I recently discovered a place called the “library.” It’s like a video store, except instead of porn they have books, and instead of booths where you can masturbate, you have to just do it in the open.

18. If there are three things I hate about myself it’s my tendency to overestimate.

19. I’m really into girls who think that the small stubby appendage of an unborn twin sticking out of a guy’s stomach is attractive.

20. Whenever I make a list, I always end the list five items too soon.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Nevada, The Silver State

As you may recall, a few months ago I took a trip to Nebraska. It occurred to me that it might be fun to occasionally turn White Socks, Black Shoes into a travelogue and visit all 55 states. But since the economy is very bad right now, and I’m on a budget, I’m just going to head over to my neighbor to the right, Nevada. And by “head over” I mean watch the Travel Channel for a few hours.

So on Sunday I arrived in Nevada around 2 in the afternoon. According to my tour guide, Las Vegas’ Biggest Secrets, Nevada is known for gambling. That’s right, you heard me, gambling. And speaking of gambling, did you know that 3 million pounds of potatoes are served in Las Vegas every year? To put that in perspective, if you were to put all of those potatoes in the Rose Bowl, you would fill up the Rose Bowl 7/16ths full of potatoes. That’s a lot of potatoes!

My first stop on my tour of the “Sin City” state was the magnificent Luxor Hotel modeled after the ancient Egyptian pyramids. And speaking of pyramids, the kitchen at the Luxor goes through over 1 million bottles of champagne every year. To put that in perspective, if all of that champagne were given to half the people who attended Barack Obama’s inauguration, then roughly half of those people would each receive one bottle, but if they were to share it with everyone, then at least 3/4ths of half of the people present would get a glass. That’s a lot of bubbly!

My next stop on my statewide tour, courtesy of Las Vegas: Secrets Behind the Secrets, was the Flamingo hotel in beautiful Las Vegas. I was taken on an exclusive behind the scenes tour of the hotel. And here’s a fact that people who weren’t watching Las Vegas’ Biggest Secrets won’t know: Smile! You’re on camera! That’s right, The Flamingo has an elaborate security system that utilizes thousands of cameras, or as they are known by those in the know, “The Eyes in the Sky.” So the next time you think about exposing yourself to that Filipino blackjack dealer, think again!

And speaking of exposing yourself, did you know that on average The Flamingo uses 200,000 pounds of baby carrots each year? To put that in perspective, if those baby carrots were to grow to be adults, and they were laid end to end and side to side, it would create a carrot blanket big enough to cover 8/10ths of Deming Park in Terre Haute, Indiana. That’s a lot of carrots!

It was now 4 in the afternoon and my exhaustive trip around the beautiful state of Nevada was almost over, but I had one more appointment to keep with Las Vegas: You Have to Swear You Won’t Tell Anyone. Yes, the rumors are true; prostitution is legal in Nevada. And speaking of prostitution, did you know if you took all of the hours you spent watching shows about facts about Las Vegas on the Travel Channel, you could probably read a couple of books? Now that’s a lot of books!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

My Celebrity Diary

When I tell people that I work in Hollywood the first thing they say to me is “excuse me,” and then they get off the elevator whether it’s their floor or not. But whenever I’m out of town and people ask where I live, my answer is always followed by the same question, “Do you ever see any celebrities?”

I always have to laugh a little bit. You see, people who don’t live in Los Angeles don’t understand that in Hollywood the random celebrity encounter is just another part of life. It’s no different than bumping into your mailman at the local Wal-Mart. But just for fun, I began keeping a small journal of my random encounters with Hollywood’s rich and fabulous, and I would like to share some of that journal with my readers. Enjoy:

Wednesday, November 26th-- 5 PM: Spotted, Weird Al Yankovic. Poquito Mas on Sunset. Eating a Burrito on the patio. He doesn’t have the trademark mustache anymore. Looked better with it.

Tuesday, December 2nd-- 6 PM: Spotted, Weird Al Yankovic. Poquito Mas on Sunset. Weird Al again. I make eye contact and smile. I wonder if he eats here everyday.

Wednesday, December 3rd-- 6:47 PM: Spotted, what’s-her-name from Wanted. Poquito Mas on Sunset. She’s disguised in a cap and sunglasses. Still no sign of Weird Al Yankovic. I’ll wait awhile longer.

Thursday, December 4th-- 8:45 PM: Spotted, Weird Al Yankovic. Driving quickly past Poquito Mas on Sunset. Tried to get in my car and follow, but lost him. Next time will wait in the car.

Friday, December 5th-- 6 PM to 12 AM: Spotted, Weird Al Yankovic. Poquito Mas on Sunset, Ralph’s Grocery store on Sunset, 20/20 video on Santa Monica, City Express Cleaners on Santa Monica, and finally entering a private residence on Mountcrest Avenue, WeHo. Keep running into the guy!

Saturday, December 6th-- 3 AM to Present: Spotted, Weird Al Yankovic. In a private residence on Mountcrest Avenue in West Hollywood. It appears that Weird Al lives near a tree I am currently occupying. If I get a chance to get near him I may make a joke like, “What are you stalking me or something?” Just to break the ice. I wonder if he would recognize me. Maybe I’ll wear a disguise like a ski mask or something for fun.

Sunday, December 7th-- 5:45 PM: Spotted, Weird Al Yankovic. Private residence on Mountcrest Avenue in West Hollywood. Decided to go over and finally introduce myself to neighbor Weird Al Yankovic. After minutes and minutes of buzzing his gate, he answered. He didn’t seem too happy even though I brought him his favorite, the Shrimp Burrito San Filipe with no Mojado sauce. Maybe it was a bad time. Maybe he just doesn’t appreciate the little people. Maybe he needs to learn a lesson.

Monday, January 12th-- 3:30 PM: Spotted, Weird Al Yankovic. Los Angeles County court room, downtown Los Angeles. Apparently some random run-ins with Weird Al have lead to a big misunderstanding and some sort of restraining order. That’s okay. I’ll clear this up. I’ll make sure that Weird Al understands everything that I see. He'll understand one day. I'll make sure of it.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

White Socks, Black Shoes Presents: A Look Back at 2008

Happy 2009 everyone! First of all, I’d like to thank you all for the letters and well-wishes. Although the doctors remain cautious and tell me that it may take weeks to recover, I’m happy to report that my head feels fine. Just a nasty bump is all! But thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

2008 was all about change and hope. Of course the biggest news of the year was our new president. Bush is now out of the office, and Mr. William Jefferson Clinton has been sworn in as Commander and Chief. I hope he does better than the Buffalo Bills! (Maybe the fourth time is a charm!)

2008 was the year that the gay rights movement took popular culture by storm with the release of Mrs. Doubtfire, a warm-hearted comedy about a transgendered woman trying to win back her family while doing a lot of impressions. Yes, gay people can do John Wayne rapping. And I’m sure Bill Clinton’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy will make one hell of a romantic comedy some day. (Don’t forget that anal sex is now legal in Ireland!)

Technology took a turn towards the frightening realistic in 2008 as the video game Doom captivated computer users everywhere with it’s life-like graphics. Many decried its graphic first-person violence as too realistic, particularly monsters living on the moons of Mars who felt that the game could influence real-life Space Marines to systematically slaughter them using chainsaws.

And who can forget that Glafkos Klerides defeated incumbent George Vasiliou in the Cypriot presidential election? What a night that was!

Of course, not all news this year was good. Oakland Raiders fans got put in their place, as a crazed tennis fan one-upped them and actually stabbed Monica Seles in the back. The uncatchable Unabomber struck again. Sydney, Australia was given the Summer Olympics bid. And, of course, gas rose to a startling $1.16 a gallon.

Luckily America was able to escape these concerns by buying Beanie Babies. And the multiplexes provided the usual escapist fare. Dinosaurs came to life right before our eyes in Jurassic Park, and Tom Cruise joined a cult-like organization that wouldn’t let him leave in The Firm. (Both movies were a little too fantastical for me, but I guess that’s Hollywood.)

Well, there’s more to cover, but I have to go because I’m getting a bit dizzy, and I think there’s a burning smell coming from somewhere.