Thursday, November 13, 2008

An Apology to Nebraska


Wouldn’t you know it? The one person who reads my blog that I don’t personally know lives in Nebraska. Last week, I named Nebraska one of my three least favorite states, and I made some rather snide comments about the non-existent population. (I’m just glad that West Virginia doesn’t have the Internet yet.) A fellow blogger named Greenthumb left a comment below my post that said, “I live in Nebraska... Omaha, actually, as do over 1 million other people. Ya jerk.”

Mr. Greenthumb, please do accept my apologies. My intention was never to offend, but to simply point out that Nebraska is not really a state I enjoy driving through or flying over. And while I have yet to verify that this “Omaha” place exists, I realize that without a respectable amount of research on my part, my comments merely sounded ignorant and short-sighted.

So this weekend I decided to hop on a plane and visit our 30th-something state. My first pleasant surprise was that Nebraska had an airport and there was no need to assume the crash position upon landing. The airport even seemed to be made of sturdy materials.

Once I collected my luggage from Ken, the airport security guard/air-traffic controller, I had no trouble waving down a cab. I asked the cab driver if he had heard of this Omaha place. He told me to take off my watch, as the technology was spooking his horses.

I had reservations for that night at a nice little bed and breakfast in a town called Gatlin, but my cab driver informed me that all of the children there had murdered the adults and were into some weird cult stuff, so we set about finding a more suitable place for my big Nebraska weekend.

It turns out there is a town in Nebraska called Lincoln. It’s quite a nice city really. The townsfolk are pleasant enough, and upon arrival I was gifted with numerous baked goods and over twenty invitations to “come over and watch According to Jim.” And so that mystery is solved.

Over the weekend I learned many facts about Nebraska. For instance, did you know that the state slogan is “Nebraska. We Have Laundry to do this Weekend?” Here’s another fun fact: Nebraska is bordered by six other states, which gives every person in the US roughly a 12% chance that they may be unknowingly living right next to it. Check your maps! Also, Nebraska gave us Arbor Day which is the most important day for trees in the calendar year.

I spent most of the weekend talking to locals, learning what an “acre” was, and watching lots of television. Overall, I had a very pleasant time in the Cornhusker State. I may have even seen a unicorn on Sunday, but then again, that may have been the opium.

So, I’m happy to announce that I am removing Nebraska from my list of worst three states and replacing it with Alaska, a state whose greatest natural resource is Sarah Palin. And I am going to personally write a letter of apology to every single citizen of Nebraska, even if it takes me most of the afternoon.

13 comments:

max said...

Alaska still beats Nebraska, but they're both still -aska states, which speaks volumes.

Kate said...

Hey I'm a horse and I'm not spooked by technology. Ya jerk.

Uncle Sam said...

This dissin' of the states shit is going to come back and bite you in the ass Mr. Jordan! Love all the states equally or else I'll point at you, personally.

Anonymous said...

I agree with most of your points, however a few need to be discussed further, I will hold a small talk with my partners and maybe I will ask you some opinion soon.

- Henry

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