Monday, January 28, 2008

Nathan's Secret

I hate going into Victoria’s Secret stores.

This hatred goes beyond the fact that I’m a man and Victoria’s Secret is a store for women. This is personal.

I force my girlfriend, Camille, to watch me look at PlayStation 3 games at Best Buy, so I keep my feelings of disgust and despair to myself when she tells me she needs to run into Victoria’s Secret “for a few minutes.” I know that if I am going to be a good boyfriend, despite my personal resentment towards Victoria’s Secret, I have to perform boyfriend duties and hold her purse while she looks at pajamas. Or at least, until recently, that’s what I thought.

A few months ago, Camille pulled me into the Victoria’s Secret store in Pasadena. At the front of the store was a gigantic bin of panties labeled “Panty Party!”
“Are these edible?” I asked a little too loudly.
Camille turned bright red at my stupid joke and punched me in the arm.
“Shut up!” she said, “People can hear you!”

I had unwittingly stumbled upon a plan. On the next visit to Victoria’s Secret, Camille showed me a teddy.
“What do you think of this?” she asked me.
“I told you I’m not going to wear that!” I said, as loudly as possible.
Camille blushed and told me to wait outside.

(It worked in other stores I hated too. When Camille thought it would be fun to go into a maternity store and look at baby clothes, I said at top volume, “Camille, we don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet!” We walked right back outside.)

Now, Camille absolutely refuses to take me inside any Victoria’s Secret. Every time we pass one, I even try to drag her inside. “Come on. It will be fun!” I tell her.

I know. It seems immature. But when I was in my early teens the Victoria’s Secret catalogues actually showed women in lingerie, partially naked women in lingerie. It was like reading a Cinemax after Dark novelization. And it was wonderful. The generation before me had the Sears catalogue. I had Victoria’s Secret.

And then, not long after my fifteenth birthday, Victoria’s Secret sold out, and the bastards started airbrushing away all the naughty bits. The catalogue became tame. They started selling sweatpants for Christ’s sake. The thrill was gone. Victoria’s Secret became dead to me. What was once titillating was now so damn humdrum.

Now Victoria’s Secret has become the Starbucks of lingerie stores. The company produces a special every year on network television. There is a store in every mall in America. It’s lingerie for the whole family. I’m surprised Disneyland doesn’t have a branch.

So I embarrass my girlfriend not because it’s fun (which it is), but because Victoria’s Secret Inc. took away a special part of my puberty. And that is something no man with any self-respect should put up with.


Kate said...

And let's be honest, now that you see who shops in the store, you know it's not always Heidi Klum wearing Victoria's Secret. Sometimes it's Aunt Bertha. Stick it to the man, Nathan. You're fighting the good fight.

Mom said...

I left a great comment and then it disappeared. Did you get it?

Anonymous said...

All that glitters is not gold. That stuff itches and is extremely uncomfortable. Eight minutes is all I can bear--ten tops before I have to rip it off myself. It's a racket I tell ya. Otherwise, there would be items for men to wear and not just stare at. I'd love to see them put underwire in men's briefs.

Kristy said...

Don't tell Bull about how the good parts are still gone. I think he still checks the porch of 329 for the Victoria's Secret catalog...

I can't believe you torture Camille like that! But I must admit that it is pretty fun to yell out such comments and embarrass the crap out of your significant other...

Alexis said...

The things men do - ahhhh.

Anonymous said...

Nice plan, Nathan. But suppose she catches on and starts yelling, "I am NOT doing it in HD!!" while you have her in front of the bigscreens at Best Buy?

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