Monday, April 28, 2008

The 10 Things I'm Going to Do Now that I Have My MFA

As many of you may already know, after eight years I finally received my MFA in Creative Non-Fiction from the University of Pittsburgh. For those of you wondering what, exactly, Creative Non-Fiction is, I can only tell you that it’s not fiction. In celebration of my graduation, I present to you:


1. Defer student loans by not paying them.

2. Finally take that trip to Nigeria. Meet with exiled prince. Collect the $3.5 million he promised me and deposit it in my bank until the prince can come to America and collect 50% of it, thus leaving me with a net profit of 2 million dollars.

3. Fulfill lifelong fantasy of having sex with one woman at the same time.

4. Work the phrase “I have an MFA” into conversation as much as possible. As in “Welcome to Taco Bell, I have an MFA, would you like to try our new Cheesy Gordita Crunch?”

5. Come up with a new idea that’s not “open a lightbulb store.”

6. Get job with Los Angeles Times. Come up with brilliant concept for story about the high-school experience. Go undercover at a suburban high school as nerd. Befriend nerds, and then fall in with the cool crowd. Attain popularity that I never achieved at real high school. Shun original nerd friends. Fall in love with hunky teacher who has moral dilemma about dating students. Have cover get blown, resulting in falling out with all my cool friends. Beg for forgiveness from nerd friends who were the only ones really there for me in the first place. Make up with hunky teacher and get first kiss ever on the pitcher’s mound of the baseball field before the championship game. Learn a big lesson about life. Win Pulitzer.

7. When I get to work every morning and brew the coffee for the office, add a new ingredient: sophistication.

8. Draw face on egg. Pretend it is a child. Stay at home and take care off egg. Ask friends to watch egg just for one night. Tell friends, “Well I want to go to the bar too, but I can’t because I’ve got to watch my egg. Why won’t somebody just watch the god damned egg for just three freaking hours!!!” Throw egg against wall. Receive a C- in Home Ec.

9. Open my new NetFlix-inspired, internet-based clothing rental business. For only $20 a month, you can rent a pair of socks, wear them, return them, and receive another item of clothing in the mail within 3 days.

10. Celebrate by getting really drunk and bask in the irony that drinking was the reason that it took me eight years to get my degree in the first place.


Anonymous said...

I think if you mix elements of 2, 5 & 8 with the the morale/ending of 6 you have a really good makings of a script that could win both Michael Bay and that guy from 40 year-old virgin and the office both academy awards.

Speaking of winning an academy award, have you ever thought of stripping Nate?

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