Thursday, September 11, 2008

My Life Is All About Balance Too. 'Cause I'm a Gymnast.

Yesterday it was brought to my attention that Cameron Diaz has a long list of demands that any potential partner must meet before they achieve official boyfriend status.

She told InStyle, "My list is all about balance. You can have smart but not funny. You can have funny but not very smart. You can have intellectual but not social. But I want it all! I love big brains, I love to eat, I love to be outdoors, I love to have conversations, I love to make love. I don't do anything half-assed, and I want someone who can keep up with all that."

Funny. I have my own list of demands that a potential girlfriend must meet. Here it is:

1. Must brush teeth. And hers as well.

2. Must be willing to observe Weird Al Yankovic Day on the 23rd of every month, at which time she will dress up as Weird Al and sing “I Want a New Duck” three consecutive times while I do sit-ups.

3. Must agree to sign a confidentiality agreement stating that she will never disclose to anyone at anytime my obsession with Gossip Girl star Chase Crawford.

4. Must never say the word “guacamole” in my presence.

5. Every time she tells me she misses me, she must immediately follow that statement with “like the deserts miss the rain.”

6. Must be able to cook human flesh, just in case.

7. Must like the outdoors and sleep there.

8. When a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, she must let me know.

9. Must be willing to sign a prenuptial prenup stating that if we ever get married she will then sign a prenuptial agreement offering me all of her money in case of divorce.

10. Must start returning my phone calls. I’m only going to call, like, seven more times before I start sending threatening letters.

(Thanks to Cameron Diaz beat reporter Brendan Muldoon for additional reporting.)


Anonymous said...

I once saw Cameron Diaz in the Hollywood Hills and years later at a fish market in Japan. I think she's stalking me.

I also think George Clooney's ex girfriend is stalking me too because she once asked me where the bathroom is and months later appeared on the same elevator with me.

I guess I intimidate them.

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