You may not know me, but I am currently starring in my own reality television series. Some may argue that since there are no actual cameras following me and since there are no current plans in place for my show to be filmed, that I’m not technically a reality-television star. Those people are just haters, all up in my Jello, and they don’t even know the flavor.
What is unique about my reality show, besides being the first reality show not actually on television, is my use of the Tire Screech! sound effect. This is employed whenever something unexpected happens. For example, the other day I arrived at my car to find a parking ticket. Tire Screech! Originally, I was going to go with the Record Needle Scratch! But that was done to death by The Simple Life. Thanks a lot Nicole and Paris.
People often ask me what it is like being on reality television. They don’t actually, but if they did I would tell them how wonderful it is to have the most banal moments of your life condensed into montage and set to the most obvious music available for licensing. For instance, the past three days I’ve been waiting by the phone for a call from my mechanic telling me that my car is ready. These three days will be edited down to a 10 second clip set to “The Waiting is the Hardest Part” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
I also get to re-shoot any scenes of my life that I don’t think play well on the first take. The other day I ate a donut. “Can we do that one more time for the cameras?” I asked no one in particular. By the time we got it right there were eleven more takes. And then I threw up, a scene that will be available only on the special-edition DVD.
Being on a reality show also helps me delay any important decisions I may have to make. The other night my girlfriend asked me, “Do you want to eat Thai food tonight or Mexican?” I was about to answer, but then I paused, dramatic music was cued, and I cut to commercial. Two minutes and two seconds later, I told her that I didn’t care.
Admittedly, my reality show isn’t very good right now. I think what my life needs is more contrived dramatic set-ups. I’m going to go home tonight and have my girlfriend insist that I take harmonica lessons so that I can perform a medley on her birthday. This should provide ample opportunity to employ the Tire Screech! sound effect while my exasperated harmonica instructor tries to teach me rhythm.
Of course, the exposure I’ve gotten from my reality television show has really given a boost to my career. But, like those people on The Hills, I know that life after reality television can be tough, so I’m hoping to use the momentum and exposure to start my own restaurant. It's a sushi restaurant where the sushi is served by hamsters wearing tiny backpacks. If anyone is interested in investing, let me know. The producer of my reality show isn’t returning my calls, most likely because he doesn’t exist.