Barknotes and Musings by Henry Bean

(Ed. Note: Since I'm still working on a few more projects, I thought I would give this week's posting to my dog, Henry Bean. I'll be back next week.)


-Look, people, I’m going to bark whether you like it or not. Deal with it. I’m a dog. That’s what we do, we bark. We also pee on things we're not supposed to, but I've been working on that lately.

-I’m holding open auditions for mouth squirrels this weekend. If you’re a local squirrel, and you’d like to be in my mouth, show up at my place anytime Saturday or Sunday, and we’ll see how it works out. No pay, but I’m willing to offer college credit.

-Do they make car freshener that smells like steak? And where do I get it?

-My penis tastes fantastic.

-I’m fascinated by the theory of relativity, wormholes, and time/space continuum, and how these concepts relate to keeping my tennis ball from rolling under the couch.

-I come from a long line of butt sniffers. Seriously, give me a few moments alone with your anus, and I can tell you what you’re going to have for dinner tomorrow.

-When I’m licking you, it’s not a kiss. It’s me using my tongue to clean the dried taco grease off your arm. And that’s because I’m a fat man trapped inside a dog’s body.

-Hey, neighborhood dogs. Can’t keep your dinner down? Leave it on the sidewalk. I’ll eat it.

-I hate AIDS. Please vote against AIDS in your next election.

-Yeah, I was the one who bit the local retard. So what?

-Let me just say that with black and white vision, it’s hard to tell the difference between a giant, dog-eating monster and a homeless guy’s shopping cart.

-If I've learned anything in my 10 months on this planet, it's this-- stay away from China.

-A dog's life can be summarized by one question. "Should I roll in that or should I eat it?"

Henry Bean lives in West Hollywood and is published in over 40 countries and 37 languages. His book, Method and Theory in Industrial Archaeology, will be published in the Spring of '09.