Nathan's Tips For Enjoying Halloween

Halloween is right around the corner (and by “around the corner,” I mean “tomorrow.”) Thank goodness there’s a day on the calendar where we get to listen to “Monster Mash” over and over again.

Because Halloween can be such a stressful time I thought it might be helpful to provide a few tips for enjoying the world’s most important holiday:

-Explain your absence from Halloween parties by saying that you did show up, it’s just that your costume was a ghost.

-Remember, safety may be first, but dressing in all black and carrying a sharp pointed weapon as a prop is a lot more fun.

-If you’re a psychotic killer, now is the perfect opportunity to escape from the mental institution and go on that killing spree you’ve been thinking about. If you’re a babysitter, you may want to pass up that job tonight.

-The best Halloween costumes are the ones that are made using wit, creativity, and materials that can be found in the home, you cheap piece of shit.

-You know what would be hilarious? Dressing up your dog in a costume.

-Save money by going around your neighborhood and trick or treating a few days before Halloween. Then on Halloween hand out that candy to the kids. Also, use real spider webs and actual human bones to decorate.

- Remember, nothing improves self-esteem more than dressing up like a slutty nurse, drinking until you vomit and passing out on a park bench.

-Haunted Houses can be expensive and have long lines. If you want some real scares, take the kids to Sizzler instead.

-Pray that a zombie virus doesn’t break out, because how would you know?

-Here’s a fun party game for the kids. Blindfold them and have them touch different objects. Have them feel cold spaghetti and tell them they are touching intestines. Tell them that peeled grapes are eyeballs. And stick their hands down the garbage disposal to replicate a school of piranhas.

-Be sure to check your kids’ candy for razors, poison, and safety pins by eating it all yourself.

-Remember, Halloween has nothing to do with witchcraft or Satan worship. And just keep telling yourself that while buzzards feast off your burning soul in hell, heathen.

-And finally, when all the Halloween festivities become a bit too much, just think ahead to what a wonderful fucking time Christmas is going to be.