Thursday, December 18, 2008

New Year's Eve, a Time to Reflect... in Bar Mirrors

Last year, my New Year’s Eve resolution was to learn how to fly. When that didn’t happen I was so upset with myself that I started hitting others. Then I read somewhere that people who break their New Year’s Eve resolutions often do so because they set unattainable goals. So this year I simply want to hover a bit.

Of course, every New Year’s Eve I promise myself that I’m going to stop making New Year’s Eve resolutions in the first place. But by the next December 31st I’ve forgotten, make another "no more resolutions" resolution, and then realize I’ve inadvertently broken last year's "no resolution" resolution.

Now there are some people I wish would really try hard to stick to their resolutions. Those who are familiar with my political beliefs know that I’m mostly against murder (unless the person is really asking for it). So serial killers, it would be great if you would say to yourself, “This year I’m going to stop serial killing.” (And prostitutes in Tijuana might say, “I’m going to stop charging so much, falsely advertising that I’m a woman, and stealing Nathan’s kidneys.”)

Of course most people don’t have the imagination to fly or to stop killing so their New Year’s resolutions tend to be a bit more pedestrian-- like the promise to lose weight. Or sometimes their resolutions are actually pedestrian-- like the pledge to stop jaywalking. These are perfectly admirable goals. (By the way, I’ve found that the best way to lose weight is to not get pregnant in the first place, but, if you do, having the baby will shed some pounds.)

If one stops and thinks about it, New Year’s Eve is pretty silly to begin with. Did you know that Earth wasn’t actually born on January 1st? Historians think it was probably some time in the spring. So while we celebrate New Year’s on January 1st, it’s actually a pretty arbitrary date that just so happens to be at the beginning of the year.

So this year, besides vigorously flapping my arms every morning, I’m going to try and stop taking myself so hilariously. I’ve really got to get a little more serious if I ever want to have this baby and lose some weight. (This may help with the hovering as well.) I’m also 1,443,223 stamps away from completing my stamp collection, so I’ve got that to worry about. And all they keep doing is coming out with new stamps!

But let’s not forget the true meaning of New Year’s Eve-- pretending to know the words to “Auld Lang Syne.”

Of course, the very best thing about New Year’s Eve is that after having to care about everyone else all Christmas, New Year’s is all about you. It’s the time to stop giving and start taking. I have no qualms about asking my loved ones to return the gifts I gave them for Christmas. (So, Dad, Mom, I’m going to need those Arby’s coupons back.) Remember, New Year’s is the time to horde and indulge until you vomit. So let’s have a great New Year’s and celebrate the fact that we don’t have to be charitable until next Holiday Season!


Kate said...

You can't fly? Weak sauce.

Very funny... especially the earth being born part.

Cara said...

So if the Earth's birthday isn't January 1, are you saying Jesus' birthday isn't December 25? I knew it!

Katie said...

Congrats on the baby, man. Never thought it would happen for you...

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