Thursday, February 19, 2009

Here Come the Oscars!

Sunday night, while most of you are watching The Real Housewives of New York, me and about a dozen other people will be watching the Oscars. This year the producers have decided to streamline the show, marking the 12th consecutive year producers have streamlined the show. So far, they’ve managed to get it down to about three and a half hours. This is why actors do cocaine.

And since most people don’t live within 60 miles of a theater actually showing The Reader, I’ve taken the Oscar bullet right between the eyes and have seen everything this year. Here are some of my notes from this year’s movies.... I’m sorry, from this year’s films:

THE READER: Should have received a makeup nomination for the way they made Kate Winslet’s nipples look so enormous.

THE DUCHESS: Keira Knightley almost pulls off the English accent.

THE WRESTLER: Is the first documentary to be nominated for Best Picture.

VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA: Only Woody Allen could make a film where Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz make out and nobody goes to see it.

MILK: At first I thought this was about the first openly gay man elected to public office, and then I realized that it is.

IN BRUGES: The 17th film this year to star Ralph Finnes and the one with a title that is just as hard to figure out how to pronounce as “Ralph Finnes.”

MAN ON A WIRE: I really don’t get how this was nominated for an Oscar, and Bird on a Wire was completely overlooked.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN’S BUTTONS: This really has nothing to do with Benjamin’s buttons or what in curiosity has happened to them. In fact, it’s actually called the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I would have realized had I not been high on cough syrup that night.

FROST/NIXON: A movie about a series of interviews. Next fall look for Seacrest/Montag.

WANTED: I swear Angelina Jolie says “he’s not my son” at least once in this.

FROZEN RIVER: I like my rivers like I like my margaritas.

THE DARK KNIGHT: A lock for the new category “Film Most Likely to Actually Be Seen by People.”

KUNG FU PANDA-- If my life had a title, this would be it. Just don’t tell Chow Chow. She’ll kick my ass again.