Monday, February 25, 2008

Long John Silver's Versus Las Vegas

Back when I lived in the Midwest, I used to get a hankering for Long John Silver’s about once every six months. Now that I live four hours away from Las Vegas, I seem to get a yearning for trips to Vegas every five months. This week both cycles meet in a kind of craving total-eclipse. But if I eat Long John Silver’s in Las Vegas the universe will collapse on itself, so I’ve decided that I must choose between the two. Some pros and cons:

Long John Silver’s offers crumblies. I can’t think of anywhere else in the world that serves deep fried breading as a side. That’s pure grease! You could just drink liquefied fat, but that wouldn’t be crunchy would it? I think that it’s genius that they actually designed a food where there is not one iota of pretense that the food contains even a trace amount of nutritional value.

Vegas is good for two days. After that I’m broke, hung over, and ready to go home. Long John Silver’s is only good for maybe ten minutes. Once the grease congeals, forget it. I once tried to reheat a fish plank in the microwave, and soon after, Martin Sheen agreed to star in the television movie Project Alf.

You can’t tell anybody you’re going to Vegas because whenever you do, they act like a Vegas expert and give you the most asinine advice: “I’ve got this great little out-of-the-way place to stay. It’s called the Luxor. It looks like a giant pyramid and has a large, blinding light shooting out of the top. But don’t tell anybody else. I don’t want my secret spot to become trendy.”

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. What happens in Long John Silver’s makes you stay in the bathroom all morning.

Long John Silver’s has cheaper food. Remember when Vegas was known for cheap food? This was before I was even old enough to be allowed inside city limits, but I remember tales of 99 cent shrimp cocktails and nickel lobsters. Now it’s all about the $75 buffets that offer everything from enchiladas to seared miso kitten drizzled with boysenberry purée accented with a foie gras pudding.

Las Vegas is a great place to catch herpes. Long John Silver's offers a wide variety of Hepatitis.

There are more shows about Las Vegas on the Travel Channel. In fact, the Travel Channel now shows Vegas specials 24/7. Okay, we get it; there are lots of cameras in the casino and a high-end security system. What? Las Vegas uses a lot of water, you say? And it’s in the desert? Hey, did you know Las Vegas is Spanish for “The Vegas?”

In Vegas men on the street pass out hooker cards. Long John Silver's is where street hookers pass out.

Both Vegas and Long John Silver’s leave you feeling soulless.

So, after taking a long and hard look at my list, I’ve decided in favor of Las Vegas. I’m going to stay at Treasure Island. After all, that’s where Long John Silver comes from.


Kristy said...

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. What happens in Long John Silver’s makes you stay in the bathroom all morning."

Nathan Jordan - This is the ultimate truth! You are wise beyond your years.

I agree with the Vegas choice - at least the hookers are awake in Vegas! However, I am partial to Caesar's Palace. At least you are going somewhere cool whereas I am posting this comment from the bar. Damn technology. Hopefully there is no technology in Vegas - just booze...lots and lots of booze Have one of those outrageously tacky and expensive daiquiris in the tourist glass for me!! :)

Anonymous said...

Are these crumblies the same as hush puppies? The three seconds it takes for them to get from your mouth to the esophagus to the stomach is pure bliss.

Similarly, the three seconds it takes to loose five bucks in Vegas is also bliss, for the faint sliver of hope has not yet been crushed as you press the button (or crank the lever, if you prefer the old-fashioned way) of the slot machine.

Not to impose my fast food preferences on you, but why not fries animal style at In-N-Out? At least their potatoes are cut fresh on a daily basis (or so they say)and you won't feel as guilty the next day.

Hey, remember how in Pittsburgh they put fries on salads? Classy.


Anonymous said...

Brilliant. Deep Fried Vegas. Bring it on.

Kristy said...

I love fries on salads! Yay for all those brilliant people of Pittsburgh. (:

Especially the blonde ones who hang out in Oakland...

Anonymous said...

This blog made me think of you:

Sarah T. said...

"In Vegas men on the street pass out hooker cards. Long John Silver's is where street hookers pass out."

On the one hand, you're funny.
On the other hand, you're funny.

Anonymous said...

Well written article.

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