Monday, March 3, 2008

An Open Letter to My Neighbors

Dear West Hollywood Neighbors,

How are you? It’s Nathan from Apt 102 on Havenhurst. It has been almost a year since my girlfriend and I have moved into our home, and I thought I would do the neighborly thing and reach out to you to discuss and share some issues and concerns. I have got some great ideas for “the hood,” and maybe together we can work to improve our little corner of the world and make it a better place for all!

Before I start, I’d like to explain that bruise you may have seen around my left eye. It’s funny really. I’m such a klutz. I tripped and fell the other day right when my girlfriend opened the bathroom door. Wouldn’t you know it? My eye hit the doorknob. It was that same day we were watching that movie about that couple arguing and had the volume turned up really loud. What do you guys think of my new surround sound system? Sounds almost real, doesn’t it?

Also, before I begin, I’d like to apologize to my neighbor the building over. I was cleaning my blinds. I swear. And perhaps you should close your curtains all the way the next time you decide to take a shower with all of your clothes off.

And why we’re on the subject, I’d like to extend my sincerest apology to the residents of my building regarding the flaming Christmas tree incident. Who knew that candles in lieu of Christmas-tree lights was a bad idea? Thank goodness we were only put out for a few days. I don’t know about you, but spending Christmas at the YMCA really made me appreciate everything I have. I think we all learned a big Christmas lesson about forgiveness this year.

I’d also like to extend a request for forgiveness to the mailman. (He’s a neighbor too!) I was completely out of line that afternoon when I opened the door, and I acknowledge that a hotdog bun should not be used in that fashion or for that purpose. Perhaps overestimating my limit when it comes to tequila consumption is something I need to work on. I hope you got the McDonald’s gift certificate I left you in my mailbox.

And yes, I now realize that a Wolverine is not an acceptable pet.

One more apologize to my downstairs neighbors. You know why, and I assure you that the liquid in your light fixtures was %75 water and sorry about the electrocution. (And don't worry, urine is sterile.)

Also, just a heads up: my bed bug colony seems to have escaped. Please help me collect the little guys and let me know if you find small bites on your arms after sleeping or see tiny orange spots under your mattress. (Don’t worry, that’s just bed bug poop.)

Well, it seems that there’s a police detective ringing my doorbell. My fantabulous ideas for improving the neighborhood will have to wait until next week. Until then I’ll see you around the block, neighbor!

Sincerely,

Nathan

P.S. If you have any problems you’d like to discus, feel free to drop on by instead of calling the police directly.

P.S.S. If you hear any type of braying sound coming from our apartment please return at another time.

7 comments:

Kate said...

Bed bug poop!

Anonymous said...

Have you flooded your neighbor's bathroom yet?

Signed,

A concerned friend.

Kristy said...

Thank god you're not my housemate anymore (;

However, this post does make me wonder about some of the vile liquids I found in the bottles I cleaned out of Mike D's old room when I moved into Meyran...

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