Summer Movie Preview

Butter your popcorn and cheese your nachos, the summer movie season is almost here! Below I preview some notable releases.

IRON MAN: A film about world-famous professional triathlete Tim DeBoom.

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS: If the sequel is called Stays in Vegas, I’ll be almost as annoyed as if this makes enough money to warrant a sequel.

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN: We have these in Los Angeles, except they are called the afternoon meat vans. I recommend the chicken tacos.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: Indy, who now resides at a nursing home, must recover an ancient Mayan artifact, which will then be raffled off at the next bingo mixer to pay for a new water aerobics instructor.

SEX AND THE CITY, THE MOVIE: Do they really need to call it “the movie?” Isn’t it obvious that when you’re sitting in a movie theater watching a movie that it is, in fact, a movie?

THE HAPPENING: Everybody’s going to be there, man. Come on, you have to go. Just tell your mom you’re going to my place to study. Don’t be lame.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK: Not a sequel, but a do-over. Next summer-- Superman Returns!

WALL E: Why don’t they just get it over with and name a movie "Wal-Mart"?

HANCOCK: This was originally called Tonight He Comes. Good thing they came up with a less sexually suggestive title.

KITT KITRIDGE, AN AMERICAN GIRL: Should do really well among the registered-sex-offender demographic.

SPACE CHIMPS: I’ve never heard of this movie before. It may or may not star Matthew Broderick, but it’s my early favorite to capture the box office title this summer.

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: Especially after you make him see this movie.

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2: The Sisterhood has been broken. Tibby and Lena continue alone to Mordor to destroy the one ring as Sauron’s forces continue to grow more powerful. Meanwhile, Carmen and Bridget befriend the Rohan and must defend the city of Gondor. And Effie discovers that the two towers between Mordor and Isengard, Barad-dúr and Orthanc, have united in an evil pact to destroy Middle-Earth.